"Men, women and porn addiction: Whose problem is it?"
Friday, January 16, 2009
NYDailyNews.com
By Dave Moore & Bill Manville
"God's joke on marriage, Bill, is that while women go for romance, men go for porn. Now that the kinkiest stuff is available on the Internet, is it any wonder divorce rates are shooting up?"
BILL: When I got the above e-mail, I turned to Robert Weiss, director of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles. "Forty million Americans watch porn a year," Rob told me, "making Internet porn the crack cocaine of sex addiction. If sugar or food is what women reach for, Internet porn is often the guy's choice, and it has reached epidemic portions."
DR. DAVE: Utne magazine reports, "At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, some two-thirds of attending lawyers said the Internet played a significant role in divorces that year, pointing a finger at online pornography."
BILL: Who would know better than someone in the sex trade if porn is essentially a male addiction? So I spoke to Tracy Quan, author of "Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl."
"When I was a kid," she told me, "I looked at X-rated stuff whenever I could. Even if we are not turned on by it, we wonder what the guys are looking at. Don't forget - porn is also a window into male secret fantasies."
Dave, women have sex fantasies too. Why are they not as turned on by porn?
DR. DAVE: Let's start with what I tell my graduate class on human sexuality: "Individual differences are the norm to sexual behavior" - a quote I actually lifted from Dr. Ruth Westheimer's textbook.
BILL: I hope you have something better for our readers than an 80-year-old talk show guru's observation that some women are interested, yes; other women no.
DR. DAVE: Not what I was saying at all. Just this week, researchers at the University of Texas found that women who have higher levels of a certain estrogen hormone are likely to look for sex outside their marriages. Women with this "Marilyn Monroe hormone" are more likely to be unfaithful ...
BILL: And more interested in porn, too?
DR. DAVE: We know that men masturbate more and have more orgasms than women. Porn, by its very definition, is designed to stimulate fantasy and create sexual excitement. That's why it so strongly appeals to men.
BILL: One thing that goes wrong between the sexes is that male sexuality starts in the eye and immediately rushes to the testosterone with the speed of light, completely by-passing the heart and the brain. Ideally in real life, the process goes on to the bedroom, with love itself entering somewhere along the way. But with porn, emotions never progress past that first stage.
DR. DAVE: When porn reaches the level of addiction, it's just like alcohol - the spouse either joins in the compulsive behavior or is left outside of the social network where porn is shared.
BILL: But, Dave, maybe my premise is wrong, or maybe it is the times that are a-changing. Foxnews.com reported last year that yes, 75-85% of porn consumers are men, but more women are beginning to view porn these days. For further explanation, I called Lynn Telford-Sahl, an addiction specialist and author of the hit book "Intentional JOY."
"Women do porn a little differently," she said, "because we still primarily want a relationship along with the porn. Most visit chat rooms versus watching a computer screen. Men are happy with the computer and their privacy."
DR. DAVE: I would caution her - and you, Bill - not to lose sight of the distinction between pornography and the burgeoning social world of internet dating, which can include everything from one night stands in anonymous chat rooms to extended virtual intimacy in the online world of Second Life.
BILL: Do I hear a big however coming?
DR. DAVE: However, when porn becomes your route to sexual fulfillment, all of a sudden it becomes a quick fix to the trials and tribulations of everyday life. Then, like alcohol, gambling and eating, you find yourself enslaved to that ongoing compulsive physical cycle of denial-anxiety-obsession-relief-guilt-denial. This is addictive behavior.
BILL: If you can quote Dr. Ruth, let me finish by quoting Woody Allen. "Sex without love," he says, "is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
Dr. David Moore is a licensed psychologist and chemical dependency professional who is a graduate school faculty member at Argosy University's Seattle campus. Bill Manville is a novelist and writer whose most recent work, 'Cool, Hip & Sober,' is available at online bookstores. Formerly the host of the No. 1 radio show 'Addictions & Answers,' he has been sober now for over 20 years.
Got a question about addiction? E-mail Dr. Dave and Bill at drdaveandbill@yahoo.com. Anonymity is guaranteed.
Need to talk to someone right now? Dave and Bill recommend the 24-hour addiction hotline at Caron Treatment Centers: 1-800-678-2332.
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